Tyranid Standup
by jcdenton2012
Summary: In the grim darkness of the far future… there is a place where a single obnoxious Tyranid rips on the valiant heroes and villains from all of scifi. His sense of humor is legendary, for in the far future where there is only war; there will always be at least one satirist willing to take jabs and pot shots at the idiots around him.


In the grim darkness of the far future… there is a place where a single obnoxious Tyranid rips on the valiant heroes and villains from all of scifi. His sense of humor is legendary, for in the far future where there is only war; there will always be at least one satirist willing to take jabs and pot shots at the idiots around him.

The stage lights dimmed duly upon the oak wooden floors as the numerous patrons to the last remaining Laugh Factory in existence clapped their hands in great anticipation for tonight's show. This Laugh Factory, lost forever in time and space contained individuals from all of scifi. Some were Star Fleet Officers from Star Trek, Space Marines from Warhammer 40k, Dr Who sat in his own personal stall, and who could forget Ripley from Aliens lounging at the bar with a group of rough and tumble Colonial Marines.

"Ladies and gentlemen," started the announcer with an assisting drumroll, "I give you our main act, Thhhhhhhhhhhhe Swarmlord."

The towering Tyranid marched on stage hissing and drooling, taking the mike in one of his four hands. He paced back and forth across the wooden stage as the Laugh Factory band completed his intro. Behind him was a fashioned set of cardboard depicting some Imperial Guard Soldiers being eaten by a giant Tervigon.

"Thank you," he hissed, "It is a pleasure to be here tonight…"

He looked over the crowd and started his act… "So… I was on this ice world yesterday, just chilling and minding my own business when I noticed something strange. There was this black Imperial Guard Soldier attacking me…"

"You know, I didn't even know that they made those… a black Imperial Guard Soldier, it's a lot like a unicorn. Every single Imperial Guard Soldier that I've ever seen up until now has been white," the audience chuckled, "and what's worse was that he tasted like watermelon and fried chicken…"

The audience burst out laughing as the Tyranid standup comedian took a swig from a water bottle provided on a black stool. He coughed a little and continued with his act.

"So, do we have any Star Trek fans in here tonight…?"

There were a few welps from the audience, and the Tyranid continued.

"So, anyone ever notice how Captain Kirk has banged like thirty woman and Captain Picard has only managed to get one…" there were a few chuckles, "Oh, and let's not forget that Captain Picard picked the ship's doctor to create his love child with. Just goes to show you, that if you intend to spread the love perhaps it is best to sow your seeds on worlds where their governments can never collect their child support since they don't have the technology for warp travel."

The audience erupted into laughter except for the group of Star Trek Officers sitting at their table. The Tyranid took a few steps back in repose before continuing.

"So, Ripley…" Ripley from Aliens pointed to herself in surprise. The Colonial Marines surrounding her all stepped back, "I hear that one of my cousins gave you some trouble… next time you might want to pull a Dr. Freeman and whack with a crowbar…"

The crowd erupted in applause as Dr. Gordon Freeman, dressed in his Has-mat suit and black rimmed glasses toasted the Tyranid from his own private table.

"Yeah, that was some bad stuff that went down at Black Mesa. Ewe, funny thought, what type of alien creates a bee-gun, such a useless weapon. Look at me, I'm shooting nerd seeking bees, hope they don't fly off and hit the wall…"

The audience burst out laughing again.

"So, I was watching Babylon 5 yesterday… for the entertainment purposes, not the intellectual stimulation…" the audience chuckled, "All those aliens with political problems working their stuff out in peace… makes you wonder why the Imperium of Man, Eldar, Tau, and Orks can't get their crap together."

The audience laughed hard, "Oh look at me, I'm a moddy space elf, life is so hard… and we are a dying race… Oh for lords sake, I've read the books! This crap about Korlandril, Aradryan, and Thirianna… it's like readying TWILIGHT! A bunch of space elves acting like moody and depressed teenagers because they can't express their love and life sucks… and is sooooo hard…."

The crowd erupted in laughter. The Space Marines were brought to their knees by the jabs at the Eldar.

"And that brings us to Dr. Who, the last Timelord," Dr Who crossed his arms in his private booth, "All that power, and he still can't kill the freaking Daleks! Seriously! Just go to the far end of the future and work your way back, hitting them whenever they show up! You are a time travler for Emperors Sake, and yet you've wasted at least three seasons fighting an enemy you could have just ended by showing some common sense."

The audience clapped with joy, except Dr. Who. At this point the Tyranid bowed his head and started to walk towards the edge of the stage, "Thank you everybody, you've been a wonderful audience."

The house band played him off stage thus ending the standup routine.


End file.
